Let’s Get Personal
I like things neat and pretty and tied with a bow. But, you know, that’s not real life. Life is messy, and so are parts of my story, but it is why I’m here. It is what shaped me into who I am today. It is this messy part of my story that infused inside of me a passion for deeper, more meaningful, authentic relationships. It’s the part of my story that forced me to begin to process and work through all the other parts of me I really didn’t want to. It pushed me to find my true identity as a child of God. It pushed me to find my voice and speak the truth. It pushed me to stop living with the focus of pleasing people around me, but to live in a way that aligns with my true purpose in life.
I was twenty four, with an eight week old baby, and had just celebrated one year of marriage when everything shattered into a million pieces. I discovered betrayal, a long trail of betrayal that threatened to take every single thing away from me. I filed for divorce, moved out, and began to plan out a life as a single mom when God completely redirected my life. Through a series of small, but miraculous, decisions my husband and I began the journey of rebuilding our marriage from the ground up.
This is how I summed up 2018 in real time –
2018. The worst and best year. Everything shattered all around me as everything broke inside of me. Every hope, every dream snatched right out of my hand. And the one thing I didn’t want back, God gave back to me in the most beautiful way because He knew it was the one thing I needed most. When I had nothing to believe in, I found God in the most real way. When a little boy was my only lifeline, I found hope. When chaos swirled around me, I found peace. And in all of this mess, I found that family is what you make it.
And during a time in my life when hurt and anger and resentment pulled me hard and screamed my name, I found the sweet and tender and quiet calling of forgiveness and grace. I found a love so big, so deep, and so wide, my heart exploded.
And now I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, not things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate me from the love of God.
God is always waiting with arms wide open, no matter if we are running to Him full of hurt looking for hope, or if we are running from Him afraid of rejection because of our unworthiness. And that is the beautiful thing about God – never ending grace and mercy and forgiveness. We come as we are, and He shapes and molds us into the best version of ourselves.
Since 2018, it has been my one mission in life to find light in the darkness. My husband and I have radically changed the way we do life together. Our goal is to create an honest, authentic, beautiful, vibrant life. It’s a constant work in progress – imperfect learning and growing together.
We have spent countless hours in therapy sessions, with mentors, in deep and hard conversations learning to love and trust again. It’s not an overnight process. Some days are better than others, but we just do one day at a time.
And while there will always be places inside that feel a little broken, and there will always be triggers that make the heart ache, and there will always be memories that bring tears to our eyes, we have chosen to live life in the present, working every day to make it beautiful.
I want to invite you to tag along on our journey, but know that I don’t have it all figured out. I can only share my experiences and how I have been able to learn from them.
So here’s a little disclaimer – my story won’t be your story, and your story won’t be mine. But, I still believe we can use our individual stories to help, comfort, and encourage each other in our own unique journeys. Redemption will look different for each of us. Never let comparison steal the joy of your own redemption.
Life is hard and messy and uncertain. But there is grace, so much grace for all the unknown. And I have found there is so much freedom in being real and raw and honest. Everyone has a story, and there is something beautiful about being honest and vulnerable. It is okay to make the best decision for today, knowing that the best decision for tomorrow may look different. Not everyone will agree with the best decision, and that’s okay. They don’t have your heart, and they are not living your life. It is okay to say no to the good, to say yes to the best. And, it is okay to be completely broken and still live knowing that God loves you even in the midst of the mess. You can trust that God’s greatness gives hope, and that the cross gives grace. And no matter how deep the pain goes, God’s love is deeper still. He still remains. He still comforts. He still heals. He still restores. He will give beauty for ashes. You don’t have to have all the answers today, but you can rest in God’s character. He is just. He is love. He is mercy. He is wisdom. He is power. He is goodness.
So I guess what I’m really trying to say is that you can walk through some really hard stuff and it doesn’t all have to make sense, but it is still okay for you to dream about that big, beautiful life you want. And you can take big or small steps every single day to create the life you dream about knowing that this season will always be a part of your story, but it does not have to define who you are. You are free to move forward. You are free to create something beautiful from all your broken pieces. You are free to live a beautiful life, full of light, full of joy.
