When The Title Leaves You Disappointed

What happens when the title leaves you disappointed?

I got it. I had the title. I had the badge. I had the papers. I even had the t-shirt. Yet, I still felt like something was missing. It had all lined up so beautifully. The offer, the childcare, the schedule. It felt like it was meant to be. What could go wrong. The outside looked good, but the disappointment grew everyday I showed up. 

I won’t go into the details of the different reasons that encouraged me to make my final decision, but ultimately I choose to walk away from a title I had dreamed of for years and years. It felt disappointing and painful, yet I felt at peace with my decision. I was once again reminded that I can come to God in any situation, in any condition, and He is waiting with arms wide open. I can come to God broken, raw, and honest. I can surrender my my hurts, my disappointments, and every piece of my broken heart to Him. I can give Him all the pieces and He will give me redemption, purpose, grace, strength, dignity, wisdom, kindness, and love in their place. God is reaching out and offering everything I need, but I have to let go of my plan and trust Him for an outcome I don’t get to control. 

Which takes me back to Ephesians chapter one over and over again where the writer talks about keeping “your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is he is calling you to do” and  “grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life he has for [you]” and then reminds us of “the utter extravagance of his work in us who trust him”. This truth can be so hard to really grasp, believe, and live into. Especially in a world where we are bombarded with thousands of ways to compare our lives and our callings. It becomes so easy to get lost in someone else’s lane so to speak, and we often forget that our true value is in who God says we are – chosen, blameless, loved, child of God, redeemed, safe. (Ephesians 1:4-14) 

I wanted to say something was missing from the title. I wanted to pass the blame for this disappointment; and maybe I could, but maybe in the end there was a bigger lesson to be learned. Maybe that lesson for me was the way my identity was so tied up in achieving a title and I forgot to chase the thing that brought joy and meaning. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for chasing dreams and learning and growing and doing more, but not at the expense of your peace and your true identity. I quickly realized I was losing the best of who I was for a title I dreamed of long ago. 

I don’t believe the season was wasted. Life is this transformational journey, and learning our callings and discovering our true purposes can feel so challenging, kind of like two steps forward, one step back. And yet, I truly believe that with each step of obedience, God molds us and shapes us to be more and more like Jesus. The seasons of life change, the dreams change, the focus changes. I can walk confidently into opportunity knowing that God wants more for me. God has more in store for me than I can imagine. However, the outcome might just be different than I planned. And that’s where the trust comes in. Can I trust God with the outcome when it looks different than what I wanted? Can the closure of one dream be the beginning of a new dream?

I keep going back to this paragraph from a Bible study that reads, “What you believe about yourself will determine the direction of your life. If we want to truly live out the life He has purposed for us – godly, righteous, holy, beautiful lives for His glory – we have to know what God says about who we are and believe it. Knowing is one thing, but ultimately, what we believe about ourselves will determine the direction of our lives. This is powerful and true. If we don’t believe we have been empowered to overcome sin or equipped to make revolutionary changes in our lives because of what Jesus has done for us, we will struggle to both define and live out our true identities.”

If you find yourself in a similar place of wrestling with fulfillment and meaning and identity, I hope to remind you that your value does not come from a business company or promotions or the opinions of others. Your true value comes from your relationship with God as His child bought with a price and no one can ever take that from you. And while I remind you, I’ll remind myself too that life isn’t always about getting to the next place or the final destination. It’s about being here, in this season, and being loved by the Creator and then loving others with the love He has so graciously given you and me. So then the challenge becomes keep pursuing more of God’s love and light and purpose for your life. He’s got it all under control. 

So here’s to learning and unlearning, listening with my heart, and dreaming new dreams. Here’s to trusting and leaning into Jesus even when I don’t fully understand the why. Here’s to welcoming growth and new life lessons. 

-xo