Dear Daddy

It wasn’t suppose to be like this…

I’ll never forget the way it hit me when I realized I would have to request permission from a court mandated rehabilitation center for my dad to attend my wedding. I’ll never forget the pain of wrestling with all the questions that come with that situation. I’ll never understand why life handed me this deck of cards. I’ll never forget all the ways it has changed me.

I wrote this letter in my journal the day after Father’s Day, June 20, 2022. I shared it with two of the closest people in my life, and they both said the same exact thing. What if, but if you never take the chance you’ll never know. What if referring to what if I gave him the letter and nothing changes, but what if I gave him the letter and everything changes. I couldn’t stomach the thought of my dad not knowing that he is loved despite his addiction. Addiction is an isolating, lonely, shameful place, and it leaves you feeling unseen and abandoned. And, if I put myself in his shoes for just a minute, I wondered how I’d feel. It brought literal tears to my eyes.

My dad is a Marine, and I have always respected and idolized him for that. My dad has also been an alcoholic since I can remember. Growing up there was always two sides to him, and it was predictably unpredictable who he’d be on any given day at any given moment. That’s a hard place to be as kid who longs for love and belonging and approval.

So this is for the ones who’s relationship with a parent feels distant or unknown, because I know that if we’re being honest, behind those walls of protection, we are all longing for love and approval from our own. This is for the parent that feels like it’s too far gone. You are deeply loved and longed for despite our walls and all the ways we want to be okay without you. We want you. We need you. We love you. This is for the girl with a big heart and a deep soul. I hope to put into words what you feel.

Dear Daddy,

What would it be like to sit down together and talk about life over a cup of coffee. What would it be like to bring you on vacation, and let you watch two little boys live their best life. What would it be like to call you on the phone and ask your advice…

I wonder about a lot… I miss what could have been…

and at the same time, in the same thought, I think of all the ways you shaped me into a strong, independent woman with the ability to hold her on and take care of herself. You gave me a work ethic, common sense, and responsibility. You taught me respect. And somehow you always provided for us.

But your life gave me something bigger… I found empathy and compassion for all the moments I’ve learned about you. And I confess, I still struggle with the anger and resentment, but I can’t say I would have chosen any better than you.

And now that I’m closer to thirty, and I understand life and relationships deeper, my heart breaks for you and the fullness of life and joy I wish you could experience. Addiction steals so much from us. It steals depth and meaning and life and love. But, it will never steal the truth that you are my daddy, and in the oddest ways I still look up to you and desperately want you to be proud of me…

“strong as superman… ten feet tall with a southern drawl and a crooked smile… I sure miss you” (Luke Bryan – Build Me A Daddy)

I handed this letter to my dad a week after I wrote it. It didn’t change anything on the outside. But it changed me on the inside. I still don’t have the relationship with him. I still wonder about a lot. But I know this – I released myself from an inside struggle I still don’t know how to put into words, maybe something like wondering if he really knew how I felt.

I’m grateful I decided to let my dad walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I will treasure these pictures forever. It looks like a fairytale I never got to actually feel. I can only imagine what it would have felt like to have that relationship between him and me. My dad’s life has been hard. I wonder how he would tell his story…